Stunned, horrified, pissed off, its all here. Yeah, you might not like it. Feel free to direct all comments and questions to my black ass...

Monday, July 21, 2008

I Am Loving...

Chocolate Sauce from the GL Market- like my Nana's

Furikake on sprouted brown rice

Books by John Connolly

Pina Colada smoothies with real coconut

Sharon's coconut sorbet

Panang curry super hot

Swingtown (the series)- guilty summer pleasure-\

Organic Chocolate Body Butter found...

The Blair Witch looking rock sculptures in the river between Ellicott City and Oella

My new muscles

The careful way my son says Mom in the morning.

Friday, December 07, 2007

More Good Movies

I really liked "The Squid and the Whale"

I alone liked "Lady in the Water" - decent fairy tale peopled with real people.

Do not ever watch this Gus van Zant movie with a man in a dress. Fucking downer.

The baby and I liked Sofia Coppolla's Marie Antoinette and the 80's music was fun to hear in that setting. I like how she drew parallels btwn the two "greed is good" times.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Turn of the Screw

Its like someone is turning something inside of me, tightening my muscles and joints. Major pain. Have been soldiering. Je Suis fatigue. No time for a doc visit and a wedding to go to tomorrow. Won't feel guilty about skipping the abomination called TheElectricSlide/BootyCall part. Tummy thing fucked up too.

My bodyworker G said some stuff that scared me, as she said my symptoms mirrored her early MS. She is doing great now though, with that disease and she gives a wicked Deep Tissue Massage. Need to find time to see her, oh and the $$. Will have to find time to see a doc. Have to be OK for my little one. People who know me always give me props on being such a soldier in the midst of all the chaos. But I think everything takes a toll somewhere, and it stole so much energy from my body.

Scary silver lining is that pleasure is more intense. What is that?

Once a fellow at work Rolfed me and he like unlatched that hooked feeling in my back, that aches and stabs as if I am growing wings between my shoulder blades. He took away the pain for a while.

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Jesus Christ Lite

PEEVE OF THE DAY- People who can't share an emotional change or revelation without inserting a Bible verse that may or may not even apply to the situation. People who pray mostly for personal monetary blessings and celebrate this shit out loud. People who claim the Bible is to be interpreted verbatim as it is directly from God, though we know it was reinterpreted lots of times. Thats just a fact. Jesus Christ.

Also sad that most of the people who I meet and genuinely like are pretty religious. I am afraid to yell fuck if I stub my toe. They also seem to be selectively critical of others who they feel are not living THE WORD. Like they wrote it and are singlehandedly here to enforce it, shining sword in hand.

The Bible is a great book. Lots of good stuff in there, like don't covet your neighbor's stuff. Pretty common sense. Some racy stuff too. Some stuff that we can't even understand or do, like not wearing two different kinds of cloth at once. However, you can't cease doing all honest soul searching and problem solving and sub it with THE WORD. You still live in this world, with the rest of us and its still our job to figure out what we were put here to do. Right here, right now, not in Babylon, or Jerusalem, hundreds of years ago.

I think its a cop out to ignore issues that you imagine go against THE WORD. I think they are trying to feel a sense of comfort in a world that is going way to fast and I know things feel out of control. But we really need these bright feeling good hearted folks to put their hands down, stop speaking in toungues, and hand out some condoms to some whores.

To adopt some kids instead of picketing abortion clinics. To question shit like the Iraq war. I want the sweet sweet Jehovahs witnesses who come every bleedin friday, to open a fucking soup kitchen for the homeless and leave me alone. Thank god people stopped saying have a blessed day when they clearly could not give a deep fried fuck what kind of day I was having. Finally, no more Jesusisthereasonfortheseason scrolling screensavers.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

When its over, over there

We were on a mission to pick up some clothes for our child, who outgrows his entire wardrobe every month. One of the larger East Coast "Outlet Malls" stretched before us, all shiny wood, mismatched music and lights. My partner, ever the metrosexual, was perusing sneakers that all looked the same to me. The baby was fussy and Mr. Metro took him. "Excuse me" someone said, and I turned. I was blocking one of the two small aisles in the store and a young man in a wheelchair and his wife and little boy were trying to get by.

The young man had the lean body and the short spiky haircut of a soldier. Something else gives them away, even when not in uniform, a kind of fluid readiness in their posture. Only he was missing a leg and a foot. For some reason I pictured my own son's perfect fat little brown feet. Strangers come up and squeeze them when we are out and about without shoes. Oh, this young man's mom must've done that too, I thought. I wonder what its like to wheel yourself into a shoe store with one real foot? The wife, looks a bit like Britney Spears with dark eyecircles. Wonder what this has done to their marriage?

Someone should at least buy him some sneakers, I thought lamely. He thought he was going somewhere to fight for our "freedom". I leave the store and pretend to blow my nose to cover up that I am crying.

I think that Iraq is about profits for some companies, and the control of the oil. So I and everyone else, sitting in our AC offices, driving our cars, are complicit. Just like those poor men who died in those mines, stripping the last bit of coal from the earth's belly, to fuel our lifestyle. to die like that is an abomination. I can't even handle an MRI tube! I have a hybrid car, walk when I have time, and use low energy light bulbs. I try to buy local and organic. I call my representatives. I will try to make the Impeach Bush thing this week. I do not know what else
to do.

Oddly comforted by Joe Biden. I was starting to think that no one thought of these young soldiers as people.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Movies I Loved Recently

I liked the following movies:

* Me and You and Everyone We Know (disturbing and sweet)

* Night Watch (fun Russian sci-fi)

*Children of Men (not so fun but fascinating sci-fi)

All of them stimulated discussion.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007


A thousand memories rush in when he calls. Throwing snowballs at cars, wrestling, trying to learn to kiss each other. Mostly I used my tongue like a hockey stick, pushing his tongue out of my mouth. Still kind of in the thats icky phase. Telling him a dark secret around the time 13 became 14. We spent hours listening to music, him with a joint burning his fingertips, me in a partial fetal ball on his bed. His sister T busting in to show us the latest dance. Him feeding me jalapenos back to back, amazed that I did not flinch. Staring at each other in amazement when a man with a gun hopped his fence and ran past us. He always told me that he thought I could do anything.

A friend, an impossibly gorgeous girl who I will call J, introduced us because we both "like to read books and stuff like that". Shy first meeting at Showbiz Pizza which became a teen dance kind of thing at night, several lifetimes ago. I think I wore a pleather shirt and torn jeans. Was I in the kubuki makeup phase? Not sure. Bad curly 80's hair like that chick from Flashdance. We so hit it off except that he was reeeeeally Catholic and "prolife" and at that time I wished that I had been aborted. Arguments turned vicious, and sometimes wrestling devolved into full on fights. His dad pulling us apart. I stopped talking to him. Later he said he thought it was because he smacked me. I am no wussy. I love a fight, even now. No, it was because I was in family turmoil. In danger.
My drug dealer boyfriend scared him away, pit bull in tow. I did not know. I went to Temple because at least I would have a buddy there. He quit and joined the service. Ended up shooting people who look like us in Panama. Came back in a low caddy, high all the time. Far less talkative. Something changed. He wanted to buy me clothes. No thanks, I was used to looking shabby.

Now he calls, as he does every few months. Oddly, he says little. I get frustrated, carrying the conversation. He always asks about my partner. He also tells me things that I contest, wondering where he got all of these chauvinistic ideas. I told him to be nice to his wife, before their divorce. Dear friend A. thinks he was hoping that I would get divorced as well. She says men are very persistent that way. I hope he called because he values our friendship and our laughter as well. Maybe she was right. Surely he knows that we could never do the "day to day" of a relationship together. I am a free bird with claws and he is an admitted control freak.
There were a few visits, sitting at Denny's, showing me the room of the baby that he and K lost. Chats about life driving through town listening to experimental jazz and surveying the gutted drive in, the empty Tastee Freez, a haunted town. I listened, stunned by the pain pouring out of him, staring at a snapshot of him, holding his dying newborn son. I listened as he told me of his marriage unravelling. I suggested couples therapy. His exwife was always partying in NYC after they lost their child. He shared that he was not exactly faithful. Oh well. I can not judge anyone, I told him. Not good though. Keep yourselves safe.

Solid silence after I announced that I was pregnant. Maybe A. was right when she said he still carried a torch. But he did at least call to see how we made out. Last week he called to announce that his girlfriend was pregnant by several months. I am happy for them and especially him, having lost a son. I too know this pain. Losing a baby really wounded him during his marriage to K. He is, of course, hoping for a boy. He sounded kind of deadpan.
I tell him to rub his wife's back and hire help if she has a c-section. He sounds vaguely annoyed. I suggest a play date and baby bonding with him and his soon to be wife when I am in Philly. He mumbles something about seeing me ALONE in DC when he is there on conference. Asshole. Selfish immature troll fucker.

Where are the evolved motherfuckers who can be friends with a chick? I have great women friends, so I guess it is nothing that I did. I guess few of the men in my life, friends and lovers, and relatives, cared about me very much, and that is a sad truth. Friends J. and T. expressed similar experiences with grave sadness. T. said she just wants to know what she did wrong?

We women are startled when men bulk at being "friends". I hate the phrase "Just Friends" because it minimizes a bond that is sacred to me. By not fucking my man friends I was generally doing them a great service. Sex is such a box of chaos and I am so a witch on a broom. It does not mean that they are not attractive, it is just that I would rather have a longterm supportive REAL friendship, than 25 minutes of probably mediocre sex, or a tiring 6 month romantic fiasco. Making you a friend is a profound complement and gesture, when you are the friend of a lady of substance. But then we women make "frienship" an art starting in like kindergarten.

My WBE - Worst Boyfriend Ever (from high school days) contacted my mom out of the blue, the day his mom died. Please, he pleaded, have M. call me. Tell her mom is gone. I called and left a standard I am praying for you, with whoever answered the phone. Maybe he recognized that I was indeed a good friend, if he reached out to me during such a terrible time. It made me feel hopeful. Maybe I have not been loving my male friends and exes in a vacuum?

Friday, February 16, 2007

Road Trips

Sometimes we all pack up and go on a family road trip. This is quality time. I like Route 1 because it shows the old mismatched crumbling america. We listen to Stevie Wonder and let the wind blow through our hair, unless we are in the South where its too hot. The Great Pee Dee River is actually a viscous big creek.

The Laughing Jesus

This book sort of tied together all of stuff I thought about Judaism, Christianity, and Islam over the years. It is also veeeery funny. Oddly, being a Jehovah's Witness when I was small and refusing to pledge to the flag (bowing down to idols?) made me begin to question religion. They admitted that several Kings, Emperors, Popes and or scribes had uh re-interpreted the Bible for their convenience. Then I remember noting lots of conflicts within the Bible, even when I was like 7 years old. This rather short book points out those conflicts with more clarity than any that I've read so far.

Monday, January 09, 2006


There are those friends who satisfy like cocoa and those who challenge you like a triathalon. I have always and I still do believe in old friends, especially those who have seen me at my worst, and they still show up. Those who helped me laugh about it later. What do you do when a friend has stopped growing? When they become seemingly jealous of your good fortune, or just pissed off at your peace of mind?

We never thought that life would bend our good intentions like taffy, and we all think, how did I end up here? But I still try to take that next right step. Sometimes I feel sort of envious of friends with money, freedom, good food or perks that I do not have access to. But I rejoice when this happens, at the same time. They are part of the "family of my heart". Their triumphs remind me of possibilities in the universe. I feel encouraged.

I would never invite a friend to the say the beach for a weekend and fucking spoil it because I feel bad about where I am- ie professionally, man wise etc... I just do not think people exist in relation to my ass. Their journey is theirs, thunderstorms and rainbows included. Whats up with women who root for you to hurt or fail? Are their lives so devoid of succulence that they must suck the wounds of other?

Maybe I'm uh strange, but I want the best for my friends. Fuck my enemies, but I love my friends, and count them few and dear. I pray that A. realizes how delicious and good and powerful she is. I hope that L. gets her man and realizes her dream of owning a cafe in NYC. I hope JW tells the man to fuck off and becomes a fabulous decorator or personal shopper. May T. get swept off of her feet by someone as magical as she is, and please let her return to the US so I can see her ass more often. I hope S. goes back to school for that computer thing. I am exhilarated when someone calls to report that they paid off a debt, secured a grant, or even got laid properly. Is this a rare quality? Was X ever a real friend?

Fuck it, you know, I love and forgive her.